Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. It's a day I wish I didn't celebrate, but it's also probably the reason I'll be celebrating Mother's Day next Sunday.
Hubby and I almost had a very different family. I became pregnant in October, 2012 with a baby I never got to meet. It started out so easily, but it soon became clear that something wasn't right. The baby never developed past 6 weeks, I started spotting, and though the doctor wouldn't say anything, I started to worry. We lost our precious child in early December.
That holiday season was one I'd much rather have skipped. It wasn't in me to enjoy what should be a happy family occasion, when all I could think about was the family I'd lost.
We made it through the holidays together, thanks to the support of our families and lots of cuddles from Mischa. I don't know how we would have made it through without her. She was just we what needed when nothing else was right with the world.
We were very happy to say goodbye to 2012, and hoped for better news from 2013.
That news wasn't long in coming. I knew right away that I was pregnant again, and even though I was terrified during the entire pregnancy, it was such a relief that it happened again so quickly.
Even though I now have two perfect, healthy, wonderful babies to love; I often find myself wondering what if? My first baby was due in July, so watching that due date come and go was difficult. What would our life have been like if it were just just the 3 of us? I love our family, but I'll never stop loving the baby that might have been mine. I never got to know whether it was a girl or boy, and I never saw it as anything other than a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but it was still my first baby.
I wish I weren't a member of the group of strong women who celebrates this particular day, but it's made me the mother I am, and it has given me my beautiful children. Today, I celebrate the babies I have, mourn the one I never got to meet, and think with love of all the other women who have lost their children.