Let's Catch Up!

Okay, I know an update is overdue! It's been a busy few months, so I'll try to catch you up!

This was a challenging holiday season for me. I love all the time I get to spend with my family, but the days leading up to Thanksgiving and my birthday are really challenging right now, since I know the anniversary of my miscarriage is so close behind those days--days that I used to really enjoy. Since I had to travel for work just a few days after my birthday this year, I was more stressed out than usual, and just having a hard time looking forward to anything.

Fortunately, I managed to enjoy myself, have some nice visits with my family, and survive two back-to-back work trips! There have been a lot of extra stresses on me the past few month, but I definitely feel like I'm getting stronger and making progress!

Updated family picture

The work trips have been a huge challenge for the whole family. I've been worried about leaving everyone behind, about missing my flight, about missing out on things while I'm gone...all that good stuff. Hubby has to deal with his normal work stuff, and handle the kids and the dog on his own! I know lots of families make it every day as single-parent families, and they amaze me.

I had more work trips at the beginning of the year, and while it was hard to be away from my family, it was also cool to get to experience so many new things.

My last trip was at the end of January. Unfortunately, right after that trip, I slipped on some ice, and broke my jaw. I had to deal with a liquid diet for six weeks while my jaw healed. Definitely not my idea of a good time! The good news is that it only impacted my running for two weeks--after that I got right back to work! Now I've survived my liquid diet, my jaw is mending nicely, and I'm able to start eating real food again! I'm so relieved! The liquid diet was a huge challenge--by the end of the six weeks, I was as depressed about food as I was when I was pregnant and nothing sounded

The Things in their Easter finery

appealing. This time, everything sounded good, but I couldn't eat it! Hubby got creative and made me some exciting soups (I highly recommend his pizza soup), and my office bought a blender so I could make smoothies at work. It was great to have so much support while I was recovering, but I'm just so glad it's over!

Of course, I didn't forget my resolution from last year! I am proud to report that I passed my goal of running 500 miles last year! I don't have a specific mile goal for this year, but I'm planning to continue working on my race anxiety. I've made so much progress, and I want to keep it up!

Last but not least: the Things. They are growing into amazing people! There is nothing better than hearing your daughter say "Mommy, you my best fwiend," or your son say "I wuv you!" We definitely have some terrible twos going on, but we also have a lot of fun!

Things have been busy with all of the changes going on recently, I'm going to try to be better about updating here. So, that's all for now. More soon!

The Holidays

Well. I think an update is long overdue, don't you?

This has been an...interesting...holiday season. It's been wonderful, amazing, challenging, awful and depressing all at the same time.

December 8th marked the second anniversary of my miscarriage. Now, when the holidays roll around, I can't look forward to them with the same excitement I used to have. Sure, I have my amazing babies to celebrate with me now, but there's still a lot of what if's running around in my head at the same time. Starting in October, I realize that "This time, two years ago, I was pregnant." In November, it's "This time, two years ago, I was worried about my baby, but still pregnant and convinced that everything would be fine. It might be a difficult pregnancy, but everything has to be fine."  On my birthday, it's "This time, two years ago, I took the day off from work because I'd been having really bad morning sickness." Then, in early December, it's "This time, two years ago, I was bleeding, but I didn't know why. And I was scared." And finally, on December 8th, it's the worst day of my life again.

I've started dreading this time of year, because every day has little reminders like that. December 8th itself was easier this year, but the holiday concerts with my choir were hell. Christmas with my family was great. And terrible. It's impossible not to make comparisons with two years ago, when I couldn't face going to Christmas Eve services, and instead spent the whole time curled up in a ball on the couch. This year, I was able to share the holiday with two adorable toddlers. They were fascinated by the carols: Thing 2 thought the songs were all for her, and danced through most of the Christmas Eve service. They loved all the Christmas trees: Thing 1 wasn't happy unless he was able to touch the twinkly lights and ornaments. They gave lots of hugs, read lots of books and played with lots of toys.

Christmas Eve family photo

I'm starting to realize that October-December may not be a good time for me to run races. It seems like I've developed race anxiety--I don't know yet whether it's only because this time of year has so many negative things wrapped up with it, or whether it's racing in general. (I really hope it's the former.) I had a lot of trouble with the races Hubby and I ran at Thanksgiving, so much so that we didn't even try to make it to the race on the 29th. I still feel bad about not racing, but the logical (sane) part of me knows I wasn't healthy enough to run a half marathon then. I was so frustrated with the situation, that on November 30th (the day after my non-race), I ran 13.1 miles by myself. Because I can. And I did it faster than I've ever run a half marathon before. So there.

This year, I'm going to try to re-train my brain when it comes to running. I know I enjoy running. I miss it when I can't run, and there's something so satisfying about a good run. With Hubby's help, I'm going to run some 5k's early this year, and try to focus on having fun again. Somewhere along the line, my brain must have decided that races are stressful and scary, and that leads to race-day panic. Even though I have fun once the race starts, the time leading up to the start has become terrible. Without intending to, or knowing why, I get anxious to the point of throwing up and passing out. Hubby and I are going to work together to try to change that. I'd love to run a half marathon this year, but I don't know that it will happen. Realistically, this may be a slow process, but it's one I'd like to tackle. (In case you were wondering: I talked to my doctor about the problem, and she suggested therapy. I'm sure that's a viable option, but I'd like to try to get there on my own first.)

Since the New Year is a time for making resolutions, Hubby and I have both resolved to run 500 miles this year. I almost made it this year, but bad weather at the start and surgery at the end of the year made me come up a short. Once I get the all-clear from the doctor (hopefully tomorrow), I'm planning to get back on the road! I've got new shoes and some near gear to break in, and I can't wait to hit the ground running! (I'm so clever, aren't I?)

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. It's a day I wish I didn't celebrate, but it's also probably the reason I'll be celebrating Mother's Day next Sunday.

Hubby and I almost had a very different family. I became pregnant in October, 2012 with a baby I never got to meet. It started out so easily, but it soon became clear that something wasn't right. The baby never developed past 6 weeks, I started spotting, and though the doctor wouldn't say anything, I started to worry. We lost our precious child in early December.

That holiday season was one I'd much rather have skipped. It wasn't in me to enjoy what should be a happy family occasion, when all I could think about was the family I'd lost.

We made it through the holidays together, thanks to the support of our families and lots of cuddles from Mischa. I don't know how we would have made it through without her. She was just we what needed when nothing else was right with the world.

We were very happy to say goodbye to 2012, and hoped for better news from 2013.

That news wasn't long in coming. I knew right away that I was pregnant again, and even though I was terrified during the entire pregnancy, it was such a relief that it happened again so quickly.

Even though I now have two perfect, healthy, wonderful babies to love; I often find myself wondering what if? My first baby was due in July, so watching that due date come and go was difficult. What would our life have been like if it were just just the 3 of us? I love our family, but I'll never stop loving the baby that might have been mine. I never got to know whether it was a girl or boy, and I never saw it as anything other than a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but it was still my first baby.

I wish I weren't a member of the group of strong women who celebrates this particular day, but it's made me the mother I am, and it has given me my beautiful children. Today, I celebrate the babies I have, mourn the one I never got to meet, and think with love of all the other women who have lost their children.