Dealing with Disappointment

This is not the post I wanted to write, but life got in the way.

For those of you who may not remember: my first post-babies half marathon was last weekend. I'd been training hard and was totally ready, but apparently it wasn't meant to be. I'm a nervous racer, who has been known to throw up before races, so I wasn't particularly surprised when I threw up shortly after waking up Saturday morning. But then, I couldn't stop.

I couldn't eat anything, threw up all the water I'd had in the car on the way to the race, threw up on the walk to the starting line, and then actually passed out on the ground while dry heaving. At that point, Hubby, my Dad and my BFF realized that something wasn't quite right, and took me to the medical tent. I had my blood pressure and heart rate checked, which both checked out as normal. It didn't register with me until later, but that should have been my clue that something else was up. Well, hello, stomach bug!

After getting checked out by the medical staff, they said "It's up to you whether you think you can run it, but we really don't want to scrape you off the road later. You might want to bow out." That really wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I also knew that I had absolutely nothing in the tank--running the race I wanted was already out of the question. Hubby, BFF and Dad convinced me to at least start the race and see how it went, so I did. BFF and I were the last ones to cross the starting line, but we ran together and slowly picked off the back of the pack. But, then the blurg came back at mile 2.5, and I had to stop and walk. I knew Hubby and Dad were waiting for us at mile 4.5, so I had to make it that far, but it was a slow trip. I was still nauseous and absolutely exhausted by the time we finally saw our cheering section, and I knew my race was over.

I've spent the past week being alternately depressed and pissed off about the way Saturday went, but I'm hoping I can start to move beyond the disappointment and plan for my next race. At least now I will be able to say "It can't be any worse" when I line up at the starting line again. Hopefully this experience has gotten the "bugs" out of my system, and my next race will be a cause for excitement, not anxiety.

Speaking of my next race, I desperately want to run a half marathon every year, and I'm running out of time in 2014! To that end, I'm going to sign up for the Schaumburg Half Marathon and 5k Turkey Trot on November 29th. It's not nearly as soon as I would like, but it's the best option for me in terms of location and price, so I'm going to do it! My hope is that I'll be able to re-program myself a little so that I can look forward to this race with excitement and not anxiety. With a little more training, some luck, and the help of the patron saint of the stomach flu, I plan to finally, actually run my first half marathon post-babies in 36 days!

Mine?

NB: The title of this post is meant to be said in the voice of the seagulls from Finding Nemo.

As I mentioned previously, my babies like food. Specifically, your food. Their food is fine, sure, but if you're eating something it must be even better, and they want it.

We hit an all-time low this morning. I was standing in our dining room, eating a donut, with both Things holding onto my knees. They were just looking at me, and their eyes said "Why are you sharing that with us? We know it's delicious and we want it!" I ignored them, and continued eating, when I felt a sharp pain in my knee. I look down and saw that Thing 2 had bitten my knee!!!!!! I've joked before that she's a carnivore, and that feels even more apt now. I'm now seriously considering hiding any time I want to eat while they're awake...the alternative feels too dangerous now!

In case you were wondering: I didn't share the donut. I am not sorry.

Night Runs

Now that autumn is officially upon us, I'm running (Hah! Get it?) out of daylight for my runs. As hard as I tried, I'm just not a morning runner yet. Between the Things' constantly evolving schedules and the need to get ready and out the door for work, there's just not enough time to try to squeeze a run into my mornings. Plus, the Things are definitely at their best in the mornings! They're alert and happy, they want to cuddle and play and laugh, and I don't want to miss those times if I can help it. When they're surly teenagers, I'm sure it will be easier to get out the door in the mornings. Right?

So, that leaves me with the post-baby-bedtime hours for my runs. Totally no big deal in the summer, when it's light FOREVER. I could head out for a 3, 4, 5 miler after 6:30 bedtime and be fine! All of a sudden, though, I'm noticing that it gets hard to see the ground in front of me by the end of my runs. I don't want to run on my trail anymore, in case there are creatures more dangerous than deer and squirrels in the woods. (Hubby thinks there might be coyotes, and I know for a fact that there are skunks.) I've been wearing my bright yellow cap with lights on the brim for the past week or so, but it's getting dark enough that it's just not cutting it. You lose something of the joy and freedom of running when you have to stare directly at the ground in front of you to make sure you don't trip over anything.

Last night, I may have found a solution to my problems. It turns out there's a local fitness center that has an indoor track that's free to the public! Admittedly, it's only 1/8 mile, but it's inside (where I don't have to worry about the weather, marauding skunks, traffic, etc), it's well-lit (no more tripping over my own feet), it's open late (so I can get my runs in on my own time), and everyone always talks about how good tracks are for speed work--maybe I'll get to try that myself! I managed 4 miles last night pretty well. Sure, I was bored, and I may have lost count of my laps more than once, but I had my music to keep me occupied, and my Nike+ app to tell me how far I'd run. In my mind, it beats running on a treadmill, since I can generate my own wind on the track. I'm supposed to do 6 miles tonight--that may be stretching my ability to run in a circle without going crazy, but I'm gonna give it a try!

I have to say: I'm pretty proud of my training efforts so far! I've only missed one run, and that was for the birthday festivities, so I won't feel bad about that! I think I'm doing a good job of pushing myself hard enough, but being smart enough to not hurt myself. It's definitely harder training this time, since I'm feeling pretty worn out already (thanks, babies!), but I'm working through it and getting my miles in. I have absolutely no idea what to expect with my half next month (YIKES!), but I know I'll be able to get through it. I don't know whether to shoot for a new PR, or to set a safer goal, since this will be my first real test since the babies. I'm afraid to admit it, but I've been training at similar speeds to my October, 2012 PR, so I'm wondering if a PR might be in reach. Mostly, I just want to run and have fun, and feel better about the race than I did last time I ran it. I've been doing lots more hill work than last time, so I'm hoping to be a lot stronger on the nasty hill at mile 9 (that sucker almost made me cry before). I want to run strong, run smart, and maybe run fast. Sounds good, right?

For the Things' first birthday, we had some pictures taken by a professional photographer. We got some

We're so cute!

great pictures out of it, including this gem:

The Things were a little...difficult during parts of the shoot, but I think it turned out well. It's still hard to believe that they're so big, but I'm proud and amazed every day that I get to call these beautiful babies mine.

One Year Ago Today...

Tuesday, September 10^th started out as a pretty normal day. I’d been on partial bed rest since week 25 of the pregnancy, so I worked my half day at the office, then came home to lie down and finish my work from home. Toward the end of the pregnancy, I noticed that I was getting very tired by the end of the work day, so I’d gotten in the habit of taking a nap before dinner. After my nap, I got up for yet another potty break…when my water broke! Early on, I’d read stories about women who thought mistook peeing for their water breaking, and I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. I had to pee all the time. What if I mistook a vigorous pee for something else? Or, even worse, what if my water broke and I assumed I’d just peed? Would I waste precious time puttering around at home when I should have been rushing to the hospital? Turns out, I didn’t need to worry about that at all. There was absolutely no question what was happening, from the Niagara Falls that came pouring out of me. At least I was conveniently located when it happened!

Once I realized what was happening, I yelled for Hubby. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Andrew!

[No answer]

Me: Andrew!!

[No answer]

Me: Andrew!!!

Hubby: I’m on the phone!!

Me: My water broke!!!!

Hubby: Oh!

That sure got his attention! (It turns out he was scheduling a massage for himself… Needless to say, that appointment got re-scheduled.)

Once I’d stopped dripping enough to move around without leaving a lake behind me, I started trying to figure out what else I needed to take to the hospital with me. I’d already put most stuff in my hospital bag, but I’d left out the essentials like my glasses, toothbrush, etc, that I was still using every day. While we both packed our bags, we called our parents to let them know what was going on.

I’m not sure the news quite registered with my dad right away, because when I asked him how he felt about becoming a grandfather that night, he seemed a little hesitant. We managed to convince everyone that this was the real deal, made our final arrangements for Mischa, and then headed for the hospital.

In the car, I was emailing my co-workers the let them know what was going on, and trying to wrap my head around the fact that this was really going to happen tonight! I’d known that it was very possible the twins would come early, but I really thought we had a couple of weeks left.

We made it to the hospital, and checked in, and then they had to check to see whether my water had really broken (the answer was a definite yes!). After that, it was time for the final ultrasound, to see whether or not the babies had flipped around (nope!). The poor ultrasound technician seemed to be worried that I didn’t know I’d need a c-section, and was so relieved when I told him that I’d known all along that there was a chance, and that I was resigned to it once they refused to flip over. Apparently, he’d had more than his share of moms who were blindsided by the need for a c-section. Hubby and I threw out any idea of making a birth plan once the doctor said “Double whammy” in that first ultrasound. Our only goal was to have two healthy babies. I’d say we met that goal!

After that, we had to wait around while they got an operating room ready. I was really nervous, since I’d never had surgery before, so I just kinda sat there freaking out. The woman who taught our birthing class happened to be working that night, and when she saw that we had checked in, she stopped by to say hello, and to offer a little reassurance. It was nice to see a friendly face and get some soothing words. Apparently Hubby had no idea how freaked out I really was, but I was scared out of my mind.

Newborns!

Finally, it was showtime! They had me walk (okay, waddle, since I was clenching a pee pad between my legs, since I was still leaking) to the OR, got my spinal block set up (they tell you not to move when they poke your back with a big needle—yeah, right!), and let Hubby come in. It was a good thing he was there, because I was shaking from the cold and fear, and I threw up more than once. He was very supportive, and so focused on me that he didn’t see when they brought Thing 1 over for us to see! They’d gotten him out, and brought him over, but were standing behind Hubby, so I had to point him out! Honestly, the surgery was pretty rotten. I was so cold and shivering and nauseous, and just worried. Once they got me into recovery and under some blankets, I started to relax and warm up again. They brought Thing 1 for me to hold while we were waiting, and that was great. Thing 2 had to go up to the nursery right away, to get her temperature regulated, but other than that they were both healthy!

Once we made it up to our room, we were all together as a family for the first time. That was a pretty amazing night. We didn’t sleep much, between feedings, trying to pump, trying to nurse, and all of the ins and outs of nurses and other people, but it was incredible to know that they were finally here. Those first nights as a family of four were incredible. Exhausting and intimidating, too, but still incredible.

One-year-olds!

It has now been one year since the Things were born! Hubby and I have learned a lot about being parents, and watching these two little people grow has been such an amazing journey. It’s bittersweet, to know that our year of firsts is over, but now I’m looking forward to all of the awesome things we’ll do as a family as the kids get older.

Happy First Birthday, Thing 1 and Thing 2! We love you!

Struggling with Loss

For those of you who don't know, I work in the Chicago theatre community, and our ranks suffered a huge loss this weekend. An actress I've had the privilege of seeing in two of our recent productions (and who has acted all over the city) was taken from us far too soon in a horrific accident.

It's one of those situations where I'm really struggling to come to terms with my feelings. I don't think I get to call her a "friend," since I'm sure our brief interactions didn't have the same kind of impact on her as they did on me. But, I am honored that I got to meet her and spend any amount of time with her at all. From the conversations we had, I knew her to be a friendly and engaging person. You couldn't help but smile when you saw her, and now she's just gone. Just like that.

Our community has been mourning her all weekend, and struggling to come to terms with her loss. A friend of the family set up a fund to help her husband and children through this dark time, and people have come through with amazing generosity.

I found out this morning that she was an organ donor, and that they'd kept her heart beating over the weekend so that her organs could go to people who needed them. That little piece of information really made me stop and think. About what her family was going through; how they said goodbye, but then kept vigil by her bedside until the very end. About how her death is making a positive impact on the lives of other people (I'm wearing my Taylor Blue nail polish to support organ donation today http://taylorsgift.org/about/). About how easily it could have been Hubby or me. About how fragile and fleeting life is, and how lucky I am to have found a happy place in it.

The Things will be turning one on Wednesday, and I've been reflecting back on the past year recently. Thinking about how lucky we are to have two beautiful, happy, healthy babies. How lucky I was to have an uncomplicated twin pregnancy, and to be able to take the babies home right away. How lucky I am to have a supportive partner to get me through the bad times. How lucky I am to have so few bad times to get through.

As one family faces their darkest times, I mourn for and with them. I mourn for her sons, now growing up without their mother. I mourn for her husband, missing his partner. I mourn to see a bright light burn out too soon.

So many people have said beautiful things about Molly this weekend. I know I don't have anything new to say. But, I'm so proud to see how the theatre community has come together to support Molly's family. If you're so inclined, please take a minute and give what you can: https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/fhp5/the-molly-glynn-memorial-trust.

This is a sad time for us. The theatre world is a family, and losses like this are felt deeply. It's good to know that we can also lean on each other in our sadness and share our happy memories of Molly as we try to come to terms with our grief.

Keeping Busy!

Well, things have been a little busy recently, so we've got some catching up to do!

We are currently a mere 11 away from the Things' Birthday! I can't believe it! My babies will be turning ONE is just 13 days! It's totally crazy to think about, and it seems like the past year has gone by so quickly. Our pediatrician says the twin parents he knows have a dazed look and don't really remember the first year. That's not true for me. I remember the first year, and all the awesome stuff that has happened so far. Admittedly, the year has absolutely flown by, and I do find myself wondering where it went, but it has been filled with so much fun, and so many new experiences for all of us.

So much fun at the park!

Since the last update, we had a great visit with my family in Indianapolis. There were ball pit balls, swings, a visit to the park, and lots of family fun! The Things really enjoyed themselves, and we were excited to celebrate Aunt Sarah's birthday and their 11 month birthday over the weekend.


The next weekend, we celebrated Hubby's Grandma's 90th birthday. The kids got to really play with their (second) cousins for the first time, and it was awesome to watch! Thing 2 in particular fell in love with the big girls, and loved following them everywhere. She had so much fun that she actually slept an extra hour longer than usual the next morning!

And, what have the things been working on recently? Well, we have two essentially free-standing babies! They will both let go and stand on their own for a few seconds at a time. Thing 1 likes to do it while clapping. Clearly, he's very proud of himself! We're also working on our walking. They've both taken a few steps at a time on their own. It's so cool to watch them figure all of this out together. It's so amazing to see them interact and play together. They both like to give hugs now, and they're figuring out kisses. For Thing 2, it involves her 6 teeth, and tends to hurt! I'll be glad when she figures out the difference between kissing and biting, and I think

Oh, I also got Thing 2 her first tutu!

Thing 1 will too! These have to be the sweetest, most adorable babies in the world, and we're so lucky to have them both!

I'm keeping up with my training for the half marathon, and I'm so proud of myself! I haven't missed a single run yet! I'm almost halfway through the training, and still going strong. I honestly have no idea what my goal for the race is going to be. Part of me thinks I'm getting strong enough that I could set a new PR, but I'm not entirely sure. Today, in particular, was just a crappy run. It was my first 10-miler of the training, and it was BRUTAL! But, I survived. Sometimes, you just have to get through a run and move on to the next one. So, that's what I'm doing with this one: moving on, and trusting that the next will be better!

Our big plans for the long weekend include a party and hanging out together as a family. It will be a great way to end a fun summer!

Summer Fridays!

At my office, we have this wonderful thing called "Summer Fridays." It's that wonderful part of the year when we don't have any shows going on, and things get a little more quiet around the theatre. I've come to love Fridays over the summer here, because it means we get half days! It almost feels like being on summer break, when we get to start our weekends early!

This year, I spent so much time worrying about whether or not I'd have enough vacation time, (thanks, maternity leave, for putting a dent in my time!) that I was stingy when it came to taking days off. Without my realizing it, I've reached the end of my vacation year, and I'm faced with 2 days that I need to use by the end of the month! How did that happen?!? So, without intending to, my Summer Fridays have taken on a whole new meaning! Starting today, I'm working four days a week, and taking Fridays off. For the rest of the month.

Obviously, I'm very excited!

This year has gone by so fast--I still can't believe that the Things will be ONE next month! This time last year, I was roughly the size (and shape) of an elephant, spending most of my time in bed, since I couldn't do anything. Now, I have two beautiful, happy (almost) 11-month-olds, and there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything I think we should. I'm planning on taking my long weekends this month, and getting back

Beautiful, smart, and very curious!

some of my time! Snuggle time, play time, running time, sleeping time... It's going to be great!

I'm starting things off right with a trip to see my family this. Hopefully, the weather will behave enough that we can take the babies to Holliday Park. My sister and I spend lots of time there when we were younger (I still remember going there the day the playground opened!), and I can't wait to see my kids playing there too! They love the swings, but we haven't tried any other playground equipment yet. I'm curious to see how that goes.

And now, have some pictures of my beautiful babies!

Daddy makes me laugh!

Daddy makes me FLY!